Lately I have been teeter-tottering between being so utterly grateful and feeling pretty low. I would say feeling down and depressed, but I still have this amazingly beautiful feeling inside of me that says, “you are where you are because that’s where you’re supposed to be”(-RJI) and “this feels like you’re on the right road, with the right place, right time, right path”. I hear a whisper in my head of advice and sayings my dad would randomly depart on me and the one that has stuck out most consistently these last few months is: “I cried because I had no shoes. Til I saw a man with no feet”.
I just want to take a second well I promised to be honest so it’ll take much more than a second to explain. So the picture above with the leg and the quote well that is my leg covered in stitches, staples, bruises and ridiculously swollen. That horrible wreckage and that’s just the damage you can see – that’s my leg. Now to the wondrous part I got to keep my leg and can walk albeit like a penguin on a good day but I can WALK! My femur broke through my thigh muscles and came outside of my body (let’s just take a glorious second and bask in how amazing it is that when my femur broke it didn’t slash through an artery – I do not mean for that to sound sarcastic at all because it actually is amazing and it could have happened and I am in awe) , my knee cap was laid open and broken with joint fluid leaking on the ground, and I had multiple lacerations and scratches. This all happened on a day, a simply beautiful leaves-are-changing fall Sunday in September. I remember thinking what a beautiful day and even though my world was on tilter with the news of another miscarriage I was thinking Life is good. This was the last memorable thought I had just seconds before my tiltered world crashed upside down for good.
Now I’m sure you’re thinking this lady is off of her rocker. She just said that while having a miscarriage she was thinking “life is good”. You know I just might have been off my rocker at that point and probably still am, but I was truly utterly and unabashedly heartbroken over our second miscarriage ugly crying and all and I am still completely heartbroken over it. However; I just knew in my soul that this life is the one I’m supposed to live and God had laid out a path for me that was built just for me to take that would make me flourish and grow and be the person I dreamed of being. This might very well be completely and utterly redundant but I am where I am because that is where I’m supposed to be, everything and I mean everything works out the way it’s supposed to. It definitely might not feel like that at the time but once you get through the storm you get to see the rainbow that was meant for you.
Now I know I’ve really harped on the whole meant to be theme here but with this catastrophic accident there would have been no way to keep and carry a baby. The continued physical therapy and the massive multiple surgeries not to mention the massive blood loss the flight-for-life chopper ride and the extreme multiple radiation for imagining purposes would not have made for a hospitable environment for a baby to grow. I also know in my heart that if I had loss the baby in the accident and not by miscarriage that I would be filled with a kind of resentment and anger that could not be extinguished easily. I know it’s kind of taboo to talk about miscarriages and fertility issues, but I did promise ugly truth and since it’s my loss and my blog I guess I’ll just lay it out there. And some people may not see the woven fibers that link the accident and the miscarriage but I do see the whole beautiful woven links of the intricacy of this chapter of my life. Perhaps I see it best since loosing dad to brain cancer and seeing how intricate that story was woven, but that is another story for another day.
I have a continued internal struggle daily that mimics two lawyers debating a topic to pieces. The kind of tug-a-war that rages through me like having my own personal devil and angel sitting on my shoulders perpetually screaming at me. I’m not sure if you can call emotions devils and angels but I cannot think of a better way to illustrate the war that rages within me. To be so catastrophically torn apart about losing a baby and yet be so extremely abundantly happy to make it through the accident alive with limbs intact and with my husband alive and limbs intact. We have been surrounded by unconditional love, support, understanding, and help that it has blown our minds. This is where the whole Til I saw a man with no feet part radiates within me. We are hurting and facing more surgeries, therapies, more time off of work, more medical expenses; however, we are enveloped in love, support, and help from family, friends and strangers! We are so blessed, there are people in this world that do not see the kind of support that we’ve been shown daily. People who have loss limbs, heart, spirit, joy, love, loved ones, and jobs. So although we have sorrows, trials and tribulations we have metaphoric shoes and feet.